Wolfstar - the hogwarts years
by Golden Seeker 91
Summary: A seven chapter story of Remus and Sirius's time at school.
1. Remus and Sirius how it all began

Wolfstar

Sirius Black first saw Remus Lupin on the Hogwarts express. He was wondering the train looking for an empty compartment when he heard his cousin's voices in a compartment to his left, he breathed a sigh of relief, he didn't want to have to find a compartment with someone he didn't know and his arms were beginning to ache from the weight of his trunk. He slid the door open and stepped inside. His cousins weren't the only people in there, a boy, with tattered clothing and thin haggard face was sat cowering as his cousins danced around him tugging his clothes and ruffling his hair. He gasped and his cousins turned to face him.

"Oh, hey Sirius," Bellatrix, the older one sneered, "just was showing this little one the rules so he understands before he gets to Hogwarts, Pure Bloods rule. Puny little half bloods like him are target practice to all those who deserve to be there, like us."

Narcissa grinned nastily and patted the boy on the head. "Get it mouse? You don't belong here."

She got up and turned to leave pulling her sister by the arm. "We have to go, his half blood stench is making me feel sick and I don't want to waste any of my appetite on this mouse. See ya Sirius."

They turned and shut the compartment door laughing. Sirius stood in shock; he couldn't believe his cousins could be so horrible. He turned to the boy.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

The boy nodded mutely.

"I'm so sorry; I hope they didn't harm you or damage any of your things."

"It's fine." The boy said, in a soft voice, and although he still watched Sirius fearfully he seemed to relax a notch.

Sirius saw the boys cloak lying on the dusty floor of the compartment by his feet, he stooped and retrieved it folding it neatly and putting it on the seat next to the boy before turning to the door.

"See you at school then I guess. What's your name?"

"I'm Remus." The boy replied.

Sirius smiled "See you Remus."

The second time Sirius saw Remus Lupin they became friends. Sirius ran from the great hall, his hands burning where the Howler he had received at breakfast had exploded in his grasp and his eyes were burning with pain and fear. He barrelled up the grand staircase holding back sobs till he got to the 7th floor. He choked out the password to the fat lady and swung the portrait hole open and after a quick sweep of the common room collapsed shaking and onto the nearest chair he could find. He drew his legs up curling into a ball, pressing his hands to his thighs in an effort to stop the burning, he bit his lip to try and direct the pain somewhere else and a small moan of pain escaped his clenched teeth and tears escaped from the corners of his tightly closed eyes. Suddenly he heard the portrait hole swing open again, Sirius froze momentarily, then say up straight in the chair, wiping the tears from his cheeks with his hands, the touch sent pokers of hot pain through his palms and he hissed in pain. Footsteps neared him, hesitantly. Sirius tried to sit back in the chair, to appear relaxed, but his hands touched the rough materiel of the chair and he yelped again. The footsteps increased in pace.

"Hello?" The voice was soft, like the footsteps and as they rounded the corner Sirius saw the boy, who he had seen on the train, his soft eyes narrowed in concern.

"Are you okay?"

Sirius did not answer immediately, but nodded as he swallowed vigorously to rid his oesophagus of the lump that lodged there and upon finding his voice murmured huskily.

"I'm fine." He offered a smile but it did not quite conceal the real pain behind his eyes.

The boy came forward slowly and sat gingerly in the chair opposite Sirius.

"Can I see your hands?"

Sirius just sat where he was eyeing the boy nervously.

"Please." The boy continued, "I know healing magic, I can help, like you helped me."

Sirius held out his palms slowly, they were red and sore but hadn't blistered. The boy took them in his own hands; his were scared and rough but gentle. His eyebrows furrowed as he contemplated the best way to deal with Sirius injuries. In the end he pulled his wand from his robes and muttered a freezing spell pressing the tip of the wand into Sirius's palms. He winced, and then a sigh of relief escaped his lips as his hands began to cool.

The boy gave him a tentative smile which Sirius returned. Soon the pain receded Sirius examined his hands, they were back to normal, long and thin and offered it to the other boy.

"Thanks Remus."

The boy blinked surprised.

"How do you know my name?"

"You told me on the train remember?"

Remus smiled and shook his hand.

"What's your name then?"

"Sirius Black." Sirius replied.

"Thanks Sirius." Said Remus and taking Sirius' hand pulled him to his feet.

"We had better get going; we are going to be late for our first lesson."

Sirius grinned and led the way out of the common room.

"Don't panic, I know a shortcut."

Remus grinned then.

"You should make a map."

Sirius laughed. "Come on, it's this way." Grabbing hold of Remus's arm and turning him in the right direction. "We don't want to be late for class."

Remus punched his arm and scowled then laughed himself. Sirius breathed a sigh of relief, he had a friend.


	2. You will never lose me

Remus was hunched on the chair by the fire in the common room late in the evening before the full moon. His teeth were clenched in pain and fear. Already he could feel the pull of the moon, stretching his limbs and sending a deep ache though his body. Also building was the raw anger of the wolf, making his palms sweat and his hands shake. Part of him wanted the full moon to come, at least it would be over that way and he could get back to his normal life till the next cycle.

The faint flickering of the fire calmed him and he lulled into a stupor and for a while he was lost in blissful peace the thoughtless presence between waking and sleeping, till he felt a hand on his shoulder and leapt to his feet, howling not unlike the creature it would become tomorrow night.

The hand was hurriedly withdrawn and held up in submit ion. As Remus's breathing calmed he could make out the hand, thin, slender and pale. He swore under his breath and sank back in the chair. The boy stepped forward and Remus could see it what Sirius. His eyes were wide with shock and concern for his friend.

"Sorry." He whispered. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's fine." Remus hissed back. "What are you doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep, I heard you get up, and I thought you were just going to the bathroom but you didn't come back for ages, was just checking you were okay."

"I'm fine, it's late, and you should go back to bed."

Sirius rubbed his eyes and squinted in the dim light at Remus's face.

"You okay? You look like you're in pain."

Remus sighed though his nose sweeping his hair out of his eyes.

"I'm fine, just go back to sleep. You know what Professor Bin's class is like, you will fall asleep and you are not copying my notes again, not even for a whole case of honey dukes chocolate."

"Fine, I will just copy Peter's till you tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing is wrong, I thought I was getting a cold and didn't want to keep you all up coughing so I came down here that's all." He said in a plaintive voice, offering Sirius a smile which Sirius returned with a raise of an eyebrow.

"Why is it always now?"

It was Remus's time to raise his eyebrow.

"What are you talking about?"

"Always this time of every month you go all weird and disappear for a couple of days."

Remus's heart stopped.

"I, its, it's my, grandmother." He stammered.

"Let me guess, your grandmother is ill again, she is always ill this time of the month."

"She, she just, my mum need my help."

Sirius reached forward and grabbed his wrists.

"Please, tell me, what is going on."

Remus sighed and looked down. Sirius let go of his wrists and bent so he could see his friends face.

"I'm surprised you haven't guessed yet. You have put half of it together on your own."

Remus eyes were dark with anger and fear when he looked back at Sirius to find him nodding slowly.

"I guessed I just wanted you to tell me. I thought it would help you."

"Yeah, well now you know and now I have probably lost some of the only friends I have ever had."

He turned away and stalked toward the portrait hole but Sirius caught his wrist.

"You haven't lost me."

Remus caught his breath and fought back a sob. He wished Sirius would just go.

"You're my best friend; I don't care what you are."

Slowly Remus pulled his wrist away from Sirius's hand.

"You can't say that, you don't know about werewolves, about what they do."

"I know what they can do, but I know you, and you are not bad, you are a good person, the best person I know and you are my friend and you will always be my friend."

Remus looked at his best friend, his eyes wide and intense and felt a small flame of hope start to flicker in his stomach. He smiled slowly at Sirius and Sirius beamed back.

"You swear we will always be friends?" he asked in a whisper, hardly daring to believe it.

"Of course we will." Sirius said pulling him into a hug.

Remus hugged him back and the small spark of hope kindled by his friend began to slowly melt the ice he had carried with him since his first day of school.

He broke apart gripping Sirius's arms.

"Thank you. Now I really have to go to sleep otherwise we will be late for potions tomorrow morning."

He turned and headed up the spiral staircase.

"Goodnight Wolfie." Sirius called after him.

He spun around to find his friend grinning up at him from the common room and a reluctant giggle escaped him, turning quickly into a full blown laughing fit. His heart was lighter than it ever had been. His best friend still accepted him.


	3. Sirius's Quest

Wolfstar 3rd year

Large dusty volumes and dim light surrounded Sirius early one Saturday morning as he sat alone at the back of the library. All of his friends were still snoring in their beds so he figured he had a few hours to himself before his friends realised he was missing, and if he was lucky maybe another hour on top of that once his friends realised he was not to be found in his usual haunts.

Carefully he selected a book from the shelf brushing the dust away from the title with the sleeve of his robes then returning to his table opened the book and cursed under his breath. The writing was tiny and spidery; he screwed up his eyes and began to read.

Every since his first transfiguration lesson of the year he had been obsessed with the idea of animagi, the ability to transform himself into an animal, he had always envied a dogs characteristics, so playful and care free and now armed with the knowledge that he could, with enough hard work, become an animal he was determined to experience it.

Then he heard something in his defence against the dark arts lesson that made him even more determined to achieve his goal.

They had reached the stage in their curriculum where they were beginning to learn about darker creatures. Sirius had to sit though 2 hours of information about werewolves and how dangerous and deadly they were. He kept his fists clenched in his lap and tried not to listen as the teacher droned on about how mindless and vicious they were and then went on to list effective ways of killing them.

His hands started shaking with anger. Not all werewolves were bad, some wanted more than anything to control it, to stop themselves hurting others. He felt a gentle hand squeeze his shoulder and turned to see Remus Lupin, his best friend trying silently to calm him down, as he listened with amusement to the teacher's lesson.

Then something made him sit bolt upright in the lesson. The teacher was now talking about the affect of another animal on the werewolves' behaviour. How the presence of another animal calmed the wolf part of the brain and made it less aggressive, less likely to attack .

This he knew was Remus' biggest fear, that he would hurt someone. That the wolf part of his brain would give into that mindless anger and attack an innocent person. And so from that lesson on it because Sirius's mission to become an animagus.

A sneeze brought him back to reality. He was nearly half way through the book. He looked outside, the sun was fully up now and students were milling about eating toast or sitting by the black lake reading in the warm summer air. He pushed up his sleeves of his robes and sneezed. He realised it was him who had sneezed the first time. His eyes were sore from tiredness and the dusty air. He stood up and stretched making the dust shake from his sleeves and casuing him to sneeze again, but he didn't care. He sat down and buried his head in the book once again.

It was extremely complicated magic, but he resolved to work at it in all his spare time. He rubbed his eyes as he got a second book down from the shelf and began taking notes till his head began to swim then got up again and piled as many books as he could into his bag to read later.

He would learn how to become an animagi, he would study all summer if he had to. He had to find a way to help him because he simply could not bear the fear and pain in Remus' eyes whenever the full moon was near. Remus was his best friend and Sirius cared more for him than he did for anyone else and he would do whatever it took to see him happy.


	4. Mans best friend

Remus was sitting alone in the common room, it was the night before the full moon and pain and anger coursed through his veins. As it always was the night before the full moon, Remus found it best to be alone. Although Sirius had long since found out about his lycanthropy sometimes he wished he hadn't. Sirius hardly ever left him alone anymore and he lived in constant fear that one day approaching the full moon he would lose both his temper and Sirius forever. He was glad it was dim in the room; the soft amber light didn't hurt his eyes.

Suddenly the portrait hole swung open. Remus jumped, it was after curfew, everyone, he assumed, was in bed. He saw the shaggy black hair first. His heart both sank and leapt at the same time. Sirius came in, tripping in his haste. Remus laughed in spite of himself and rushing to help him up. Sirius grinned crookedly at him, took his hand and pulled himself to his feet.

"I've got something to show you."

Remus sighed inwardly. He wished Sirius would just go to bed; he wasn't in any mood to talk now, but Sirius' excited open face calmed his tense mood as it always did.

"What is it Sirius? Did another Valentines card find its way to you?" Remus said sarcastically. Sirius' face fell and Remus immediately felt bad. "Sorry." He muttered looking down. "What did you want to show me?"

Sirius flashed an uncertain smile at Remus and stood in the middle of the common room. He took a deep breath then shrank where he stood. Remus blinked in surprise and when he opened his eyes again he was staring at a huge black shaggy dog. He stared in shock at the animal before him till it came forward and bumped his thigh with its muzzle. Remus found his voice.

"Sirius!" he chocked.

The dog bumped its muzzle again on Remus' leg, he figured it meant yes.

He crouched down to look closer at the dog, now he saw Sirius' familiar features. The shaggy black hair, the tall, lean bone structure, but mainly the dogs open, excited, happy face. His face broke into a grin that quickly disappeared as he realised the lengths his friend had gone though to achieve this complicated piece of magic.

"Have you any idea how dangerous this is?!"

The dog blinked at him.

"There can be all kinds of complications. What if you get stuck like that and can't get back to human!

The dog growled in a manor Remus somehow understood to be, "Shut up." Remus complied, returning to his chair by the fire putting his head in his hands.

Truth be told he had no idea Sirius cared for him so much as to be prepared to go to such lengths to help him. Truth be told Remus cared more for Sirius than he cared to admit. He had always been there for him. Sirius was the only one who knew he was a werewolf and although he came from a wizard family and knew all about them he didn't care. He was his friend, his best friend.

The dog padded over and snorted softly, blowing Remus' hair out of his eyes. He looked up.

"I'm sorry I shouted at you, it's just I couldn't bear it if you got hurt or if something went wrong and you got stuck. I need you Sirius, the real you, not the dog, though you are kind of cute."

Sirius bared his teeth and growled at him.

"Okay!" said Remus, laughing, "You're not cute." "Just promise me you'll not use this magic okay." Remus sighed as the dog huffed and flopped down before him. "Please."

In response Sirius put his paws on his friend's knees and looked at him, then licked him behind the ear.

"EUGH" Remus yelled. "Get off!"

The dog cocked his head considering, then licked his other ear.

"Sirius, stop it!" he yelled again, wiping his ears with the sleeves of his robes. This time though Sirius could hear he was trying not to laugh.

He licked him once more on each ear and Remus cracked up laughing. Sirius sat and concentrated for a moment and soon Remus could hear Sirius laughing along with him. He looked up and saw his best friend, tall, lean, with scruffy black hair and a happy open face, laughing back at him. He stepped forward and seized his friend in a hug, still laughing.

"Thanks." He said simply.

Sirius grinned. Happy he had made his friend happy.

"You smell like dog." He said wrinkling his nose at his friend.

Remus through a cushion at him and Sirius ran for the dormitory laughing as he ran up the spiral staircase.

Remus watched him go and realised just how much Sirius meant to him. He would not, could not, ever forget how much Sirius had done to help him feel loved and welcomed. He knew he could never find anyone else who meant as much to him as Sirius.

He collapsed back into the chair by the fire, his pains nearly forgotten and fell deeply asleep, still smelling of dog.


	5. Stay with me

Sirius was alone in the common room kneeling before the fire. He was waiting for his mother to appear there after receiving a letter at breakfast. Even now at 15 years of age, even though he was several thousand miles away from home, he was too scared to disobey his mother. She would find a way to make him listen, if not this then a howler in front of the school at breakfast. Nervously he crouched on the cold stone floor and checked his watch. 1 minute before. He could make a run for it, be up in bed by the time she manifested herself, but just as he had been about to bolt he heard a sharp voice hissing from the fire.

"Stay boy, don't even think of running."

Sirius flinched and sank back to his knees.

"Good evening mother, you wanted to talk with me?"

"I would rather not but Bella has reported something to me that needs to be discussed." His mother continued, in a false, caring voice.

"Do you have many friends at school?"

"Yes."

"Are they of noble status?"

"No, not all of them"

His mother's eyes blazed and her lip curled.

"I should have known you'd be the one to let me down."

Sirius' stomach dropped, anger roared in his ears.

"Who is Remus?" she asked icily.

Sirius went dizzy. So this was what this was about. He wanted to turn and run, but he was glued to the spot, looking at his mother's eyes burning in the coals of the fire.

"He's another friend of mine." Sirius said weekly, praying his voice wasn't shaking as badly as the rest of him.

"Bella said she saw you two talking the other day in the library. You seem very good friends. You must care a lot for him, the way you act together."

Sirius didn't move. He couldn't. His mother's eyes still bored into his.

"Bella says you were planning to stay with him over the summer."

Sirius nodded mutely.

"Well you'd best hope his parents like you. You're not welcome back here anymore. Clearly you have found better people to respect than your own mother."

Sirius just stared at the fire.

"You know what happens to people who are no longer worthy of the black family name, don't you, boy" She sneered, as she burst into a whirl of sparks, burning Sirius' hands as he made an attempt to guard his face. He leapt back with a yell of pain, anger and fear and fell back into the chair. His hands burned and sparks peppered his face. He tried to reach into his robes to conjure the freezing spell Remus had used on him the first time he had burned his hands but he couldn't hold anything.

He heard footsteps coming down the staircase; he could tell they were Remus's the soft, swift footfall that he had heard echoed with his own since their first day. His hair was tousled, his eyes heavy from being woken sharply, or from not sleeping, his rumpled pyjamas, slightly too short in the arms and legs, the result of a recent growth spurt, were buttoned wrong.

"You okay?" He asked in a low voice.

He jogged across the common room till he reached Sirius' side.

Sirius couldn't speak, he just held out his palms. Remus took his wrists holding them still. He pulled out his wand and muttered the same freezing spell he had used five years ago. Sirius's breathing slowed as his hands cooled and healed. He gently pulled his hands from Remus's grip and put them to his face. That cooled slowly too. He sank forward with his head in his hands. His dark hair fell over his face, obscuring his eyes, his body trembled.

Remus rested a hand lightly on his friends shoulder. Sirius stiffened momentarily then relaxed taking several deep breaths before nudging his friends hand with his head. He sat up. Remus joined him on the arm of the chair.

"What happened to your hands?"He asked gently.

"Mother," Sirius muttered. He felt Remus's body stiffen. "Bella heard us talking about summer and told her."

Remus got up off the arm and stood, rubbing his face. He knew how worried Sirius was about her finding out.

"What did she say?" he asked softly.

Sirius took a breath before answering.

"She said that I was no longer worthy of the Black family name. She told me your parents better like me because I was not welcome back home."

Remus stopped walking and took a deep breath closing his eyes. Sirius was struck by how tall and lean he was, standing in the dim light of the fire he cast shadow over the walls.

"You stay with me then." He said simply. Sirius stood up.

"What?"

"You stay with me. I will write to Mum and Dad tomorrow. They'll be glad you're out that house. Please Sirius, come stay with me."

"You're sure?" asked Sirius hardly daring to believe it.

"Yes, at least I know you are safe, I couldn't bear the thought of you staying with your mother a minute longer."

Sirius beamed. He laughed then grabbed his friend in a hug so tight Remus gasped.

"So is that a yes then?"He asked huskily.

By way of answer Sirius did the most affectionate thing he could. He turned into a dog and licked Remus once behind each ear.

"Gross!" Remus yelled before cracking up laughing. "I'll send an own to Mum and Dad in the morning then.

Sirius put his paws on Remus's shoulders looking at him directly, trying to tell him how grateful he was. Remus just laughed again.

"You look like you need to go outside."

Sirius blew softly in his face and Remus still laughing rubbed his snout.

"Get some sleep. We have double history of magic in the morning and you are not copying my notes this time."

Sirius licked him one last time to say goodnight and Remus, shocking both himself and Sirius, kissed him on the nose.

"Goodnight snuffles." He whispered, his face flaming, and hurried upstairs to the dormitory.

Sirius turned back into himself and stared after him. He couldn't believe Remus would let him stay all summer. He was starting to realise just how much Remus meant to him.

He trudged up the stairs to the dormitory, falling into his four poster bed he stayed awake for just long enough to murmur.

"Goodnight Wolfie."

Before he fell into a deep sleep.


	6. i will never hurt you

Wolfstar 6

Remus was on prefect duty. He was shattered and needed rest, his most recent transformation had been rough on him, he had missed a lot of homework and he knew he should be using this time to catch up but he just couldn't focus. All he really wanted to do was hide in his bed for a week or two away from everyone and everything. He stumbled along the 7th floor not expecting to see anyone, prefect duty was pretty much a couple of hours one could spend wondering around with your own thoughts, but that, thought Remus, was exactly what he didn't need.

He settled himself at the end of the corridor he was meant to be patrolling so he could see everything he needed to and rested his head against the wall. It was cool and helped to relieve a bit of his headache that had manifested earlier on that day during potions causing him to fail his potions assignment for the second time. The teachers knew about him being a werewolf and thought this recent dip in his performance was the result of this. That just scratched the surface of what was truly on his mind. They looked at him sympathetically, telling him to get some air and return and finish the assessments when he was ready. They didn't seem to realise it had never affected his school work before.

He felt his eyes begin to droop, he fought to stay awake, he couldn't fall asleep on prefect duty, but his body had other ideas, it needed rest, and ignoring the signals from Remus' brain, drifted into unconsciousness.

He could have dealt with sleep if it was just sleep, he longed for a night where he could sleep without dreaming, wake without being more exhausted than he was before, but tonight, as always it seemed, wasn't going to be one of those nights.

In this dream he was in the shrieking shack. His whole body on fire as bones stretched, nails grew into claws and teeth sharpened to fangs. A powerful and feral rage coupled with a stomach aching hunger gripped him and a howl broke free from his throat shattering the still evening. He turned to head out of the door when he found his way blocked by a big, scruffy black dog. The human part of him knew it was Sirius, his best friend, the werewolf saw food. It bared his fangs growling low in its throat, making the dogs shaggy fur stand up on end. It answered with a growl of its own. The wolf locked eyes with the dog, the dog's eyes were calm, but tense and watchful. The wolf's eyes looked directly into the dog's. The human side of him trying to convey a single message.

"RUN!"

The dog didn't move an inch, just stared back into the eyes of the wolf. He tried to shout at the dog to run, but all that came out of his throat was a guttural scream, and still the dog did not move. Remus felt muscles tense in his back, in his legs and knew what the wolf was going to do. Once more he tried to warn the dog, tried to plead with him to run, but all the sound the wolf could make was a whine. The dog pricked up his ears and cocked its head to the side but still did not move. Remus watched through the wolfs eyes in horror as he sprang at the dog, jaws closing around its neck, feeling the pulse slowing till there was nothing there. The wolf howled again, this time in anger and anguish, pawing at the still form of the dog. When it didn't move he turned his maw to the side, biting hard at his own arm and waking sharply, smacking his head against the cold hard stone wall of the 7th floor corridor.

As he came to his senses he noticed a gentle touch on his arm. He turned to see the bright red hair and sparkling green eyes of Lily Evans looking at him concernedly. Remus exhaled resting his head against the stone. He knew Lily could understand, without even any communication on Remus' part. She pulled him into a hug, he could feel himself shaking.

"Another dream?" She asked softly.

He nodded mutely. Then groaned as his headache returned full force. He pressed his fingers to his temples willing it to go away. Lily pulled her wand from her robes and directed a cold stream of air to his forehead before climbing to her feet, dusting her knees off, offering him a hand to stand. He climbed slowly to his feet and would have fallen back down if Lily hadn't been holding on to him.

She helped him down the corridor to the common room and into the chair by the dying fire.

"You get some sleep; I'll take the rest of the prefect duty tonight. Your worrying me."

Remus shook his head trying to get back to his feet, Lily rested a hand on his arm. "Just sleep."

He rubbed his face, his hands shaking.

"I don't want to. I can't keep dreaming like this, I can't keep watching myself hurt him. He's my best friend."

"You won't hurt him. You've practically been joined at the hip since the first day here, you have never, not once even remotely hurt him, intentionally or no."

Remus shut his eyes leaning back against the chair, the circles under his eyes and pale scars on his face shining in the dim light of the fire.

"I'll be back in a sec." said Lily climbing to her feet and dashing up the stairs.

In 5 seconds she dashed back down again holding a small vial containing a cloudy yellow liquid. Remus recognised it, the dreamless sleep potion he had failed to make correctly earlier on today.

"Just promise you won't take points from me for having this potion. I was saving this for someone else but you need it more."

She pressed it gently into his hand. Remus looked at her.

"Thanks." He croaked.

"Drink it then. I want to make sure you're okay before I go to bed."

He smiled at her, downing the potion in one. Lily smiled back, ducking her head under his arm and helping him up the stairs. She turned to him at the doorway to the boy's dormitory, holding his face gently with one hand, making sure he looked at her.

"You will never hurt Sirius; I know you would never do anything that would hurt him. These are all just bad dreams, and they will fade eventually. Sirius knows you would never hurt him, I know you will never hurt him, so does James and Peter. You just need to believe it yourself and these dreams will stop."

"I'll remember that." He said, leaning against the door frame, his head was spinning now. "And thanks, for so many things."

Lily opened the door to the dormitory, pushing him gently inside.

"Your welcome, you are always welcome. Sleep well Remus."

Remus turned and stumbled toward his bed crashing face first into the pillow. He didn't even have time to remove his shoes before he fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.

He didn't hear the owl bushing his wings softly against the window with a letter for Sirius, he didn't hear anyone get up and go to breakfast, he didn't flinch when Sirius took his shoes off placing then neatly underneath his bed, before taking his blanket from his bed and putting it over him before their first lesson. He didn't wake when Sirius came to check on him during break after smuggling some buttered toast for him from the kitchens, nor at lunch when he heated the toast up again and left a stack of notes on his side table. He still didn't stir when Sirius came up after dinner with a steaming plate of his favourite, cottage pie and a large slice of treacle tart and another stack of notes for him.

He only awoke when moonlight drifted into the dormitory from a gap in the curtains, falling onto his face. He scanned the room with his eyes drawing the blanket around him, confused, where was everyone? He looked at his watch, 20:30 shone back at him. He stared at it, uncomprehending, sleep still clinging like cobwebs to his brain. Suddenly someone came in, nearly tripping over James' trunk, muttering a curse as he pointed his wand at the candle.

"Lumos." He whispered, shuffling around the room lighting them all in turn filling the room with a dim yellow light.

Remus looked over. It was Sirius, he flopped onto his bed rubbing his foot, then pulling his shirt off over his head reached for this blanket. Remus sat up, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

"Need this?" he asked, holding out the blanket for Sirius to take, yawning.

Sirius looked over and his face broke into a relieved grin.

"Merlin's beard Remus, thank goodness your awake. I was getting worried."

Remus yawned again getting to his feet and placing the blanket on Sirius' bed.

"How long was I out for?"

"About 18 hours! Got an owl from Lily this morning telling us not to wake you up.

"18 hours! I missed a whole day!"

"I took notes for you, all on your side table, also, you should eat, I saved you some dinner." Sirius said indicating the now cold plate of food.

Remus, realising he was starving flopped onto his bed, grabbing the food and starting to eat, Sirius stopped him. Taking the plate from his friend and warming it before handing it back.

"You don't need a stomach bug on top of everything else."

Remus smiled weakly at his friend, staring at him for a few moments before continuing with his food. Sirius sat with him, filling him in about what had happened that day. He was so alive, so warm and healthy, but still Remus couldn't help thinking of his dream the night before. Sirius, lifeless and cold, because of him. He dropped his fork onto his plate swivelling to face his friend. He grabbed his wrists, feeling the pulse race beneath his fingertips.

"You know I won't ever hurt you don't you. No matter what I am, no matter what happens you know I will never hurt you."

Sirius looked at his friend. His eyes were desperate and intense. His heart sped up, his pulse throbbing under Remus' fingers. He took his friends hands, scarred and warn, gently in his own, looking directly into his eyes.

"Nothing you could ever possibly do could hurt me, unless you did anything to hurt yourself, that, I could not bear."

Remus slumped forward letting go of Sirius. He nodded, suddenly exhausted.

"Okay." He sighed, "Okay."

They sat for a while in silence then Sirius got up, standing in front of Remus. On a sudden impulse he bent forward kissing him lightly on the top of his head, just as Remus' mother, upon finding out what had happened to him, had done. A gesture, Sirius had come to realise, that was reserved for who she recognised as family.

"Goodnight Mooney." He said, flopping onto his own bed. "You snore like a wild animal by the way."

Remus managed a week laugh into his pillow. Sirius smiled, it was good to hear.

"Goodnight Snuffles." Remus said yawning again. "Oh, by the way, your blanket smells of wet dog."

Sirius snorted into his pillow and Remus fell immediately into another night of dreamless sleep.


	7. What's the point

Remus rested his aching head in his hands on the table in the potions classroom looking in dismay at his failed NEWT level potion. Sirius looked over chewing his lip.

"I'm sure you can do it again, you have time. You can use mine if you like."

Remus sprang to his feet, the temper that had been brewing for days finally getting the better of him.

"What's the point! There is none, I will never get a job at the minestry even if I get an O in my NEWTS, they will never employ a monster like me, what's the bloody point of even trying!"

He grabbed his bag from the desk and stormed out slamming the door behind him hearing the potion bottles rattle, feeling Sirius' eyes at the back of his head. As angry as he felt he knew he shouldn't have shouted at Sirius like that he thought as he dropped into the chair by the fire anger draining away and sickness replacing it.

Sirius stormed through the entrance to Gryffindor common room grabbing Remus on the way past. One hand grabbing his shoulder to spin him around the other under his chin forcing his head up to make Remus look him directly in the eyes.

"What the hell did you say that for!"

Remus couldn't look at the pain in Sirius' eyes so he looked away. Sirius didn't understand, couldn't understand how hard it was for him, to look at him in the eye, to be in the same room as Sirius, to have him care so much about him but in such a different way.

Sirius dropped his chin. He risked a glance at Sirius' face. There were tears in his eyes, pain, confusion and hurt. Remus felt tears pop in the corners of his eyes. He hated hurting his best friend, it was his main fear. Sirius looked up and cause Remus' stare. He turned away.

"Why?" he asked softly.

Remus tried to think of something to say, something to expain, but he couldn't. He could only stand there concentrating on Sirius hand on his shoulder.

Sirius looked at his friend, tryng to understand, trying to help in whatever way he could, but he couldn't. He dropped Remus' shoulder and turned to go to the dormitories.

Remus knew he should let him go, he knew it would be best for the them both to leave this fight where it was and let Sirius go, but he couldn't. He dodged around Sirius, blocking the entrance to the spiral staircase. He realised standing there that he was taller than his friend. He looked down into his friends eyes and realised he had to tell him, had to show him, what he meant to him, before it was too late, but he never got the chance.

Sirius realised then how tall Remus was, standing before him, blocking the entrance to the stairs, he had to tilt his head up to look at him. Remus' soft brown hair was falling into his eyes. Sirius itched to push it aside, to have it tickle his fingertips. He looked at his friend's eyes and realised, right at this moment, he was the only thing that mattered, the only thing that had always mattered. He brushed away his hair holding his hand to his friends scarred cheek.

"Don't ever say the again." He whispered, wrapping his hand around the back of Remus' neck and pulling his face to meet his own.

Remus was so stunned he forgot how to move. After a brief eternity of blissful closeness Sirius stepped back, his dark eyes alight with shock and ecstasy. Remus grabbed hold of the wall to stop himself falling onto Sirius.

"Promice me," he whispered again, "Never, ever say that again."

Remus rubbed his jaw in a daze, the whisper of Sirius' lips still prickling his skin. Sirius' shirt had become untucked and his shirt buttons were loose, Remus could see the pulse in his chest. He took a deep breath, held it, and slowly put his hand on Sirius' chest, feeling the blood pound and muscles shift beneath his fingers as Sirius moved his own hand to cover Remus'. The sob that had built up in his chest escaped and suddenly Sirius' hands were everywhere. Holding him, brushing tears from his face, fingers delicately tracing the scars and ridges of muscle on his back and chest. Remus shivered but could not tell Sirius to stop. He had wanted this too much for too long to ever want this to end.

Sirius stepped back, not letting go of Remus' hands. Remus choked out a question.

"How long?"

"7 years." Sirius whispered.

Remus hacked out a laugh and this time it was he who pulled his friend to him.

The next few minutes were a blur of breath, bones and bodies as they found each other's lips, then backed up against the cold stone wall pressing closer and closer together till they could breathe no more.

Sudenly Remus sprang away. His eyes wide, his shirt, usually neat and pressed, and rumbled and untucked. Sirius looked alarmed.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly.

"Charms exam in 5 minutes!"

Sirius cracked a smile that swiftly turned into a giggle.

"We have the map now; don't worry, we won't be late Wolfie."

Remus laughed as Sirius grabbed his hand, linking his fingers.

He now understood the point.


End file.
